I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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