The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
