update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
