i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
