I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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