that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i think my mom watched the whole time
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize