It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Someone shit on the floor
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
