he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
