all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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