I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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