If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
