I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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