I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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