Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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