a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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