there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
