I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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