So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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