I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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