he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
