I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
