tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
