there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize