Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
