He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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