There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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