Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
