He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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