I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
