Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
