I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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