My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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