Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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