It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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