kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
