apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
