my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
