Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
