Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
