I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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