My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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