If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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