for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We need to get me chipped asap
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
