I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
