Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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