First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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