i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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