Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
