there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
