I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
