what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
