omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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