I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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