Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
everyone is single if you try hard enough
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize