GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
