i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
