booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
