Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
