I skipped work to stalk him.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
