i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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