no, he came in my armpit
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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