Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
