She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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