i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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